There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Panties = found
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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