Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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