remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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