You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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