By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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