the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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