Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
