so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
