Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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