Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
