it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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