You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
zippers are such a cool invention
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
