i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
