Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
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