I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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