I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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