Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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