Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
