I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
