even my farts smell like vagina
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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