Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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