That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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