You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
