WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
