Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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