I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
