Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
