I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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