I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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