When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
false alarm. still invincible.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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