My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
