What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
