I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize