i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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