Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
