allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
