We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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