I think I am morally bankrupt
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
