i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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