My first STD was from a foam party
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
