I got chris browned last night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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