My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
