You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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