guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
