THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
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