honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
