No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
