I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
