I'm jealous of your bromance
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
