I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize