I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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