WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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