Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize