He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
