woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
